Decinaty

I walk straight to the mirror and look at the female.  I don't see me,  but i'm not sure how i want to change, I just know that I do...  A trip to the salon is way past due, my last two haircuts have been me buzzing my hair down to a two leaving all but a tail.  It has been 8 months do the day since I left, pocket change more since i last buzzed.  My hair is what, 6 inches longer?  The tail that I have been working on since I left the navy, 2 years 5 months...  I thought I wanted the Yuna hair style, but looking at the person looking back at me, I dont think it is the right fit.  I run my hand through my hair,  I have to wait until after I leave before I can change anything.  They can't know, 5 days left here, being a good daughter, good mom... While my kids are use to mommy changing, the changes I want to make are not changing my step mom wants to see.

 

I dont think i like this format... I think I want to do a web comic... maybe I'll do both.  I dont want to be the artist though... damn it, where is my sketch book... it can wait, where was i?

 

As my hand slides down my tail on the left side of my face i let go of the hair and touch the tattoo of my youngest child, and the heart underneath, has it really been 8 years?  I dont want to count any closer, her 6 weeks was painful enough, and year 9 start to finish will be over by summer's end...  The sparkle on my right ring finger catches my eye.  My grandmother got me a nice ring for my birthday, it only fits on my ring fingers.  Funny when I first put it on i was already wearing a ring on my right, so without thinking I put it on my left and forgot about it until my kids freaked out.  Ha... that was funny.  I spin the ring so the stone is on the inside and notice the ink on my forearm.  I've known, for a few years, at least 6, that I was this way... So why am I just barely coming out now? 

 

My eyes flick to my left ring finger. I can't believe that there is no visible line, or is it that I don't want to see it? It hasn't been two weeks since I made the second FaceBook account, the one I'm leaving my family out of, and most of my friends... This account, only those who i know will accept me will be allowed.  Then I did it for her, "Open relationship with Raven"  I was worried that she wasn't going to accept, I mean she has a boyfriend, but since she claimed me while I was married... I thought it would be okay... 

 

Since my divorce, 3 months ago I've been sure that I want to be this way.  I really had made this choice before I married him but i couldn't be this way and keep him, and i didn't want him out of my life.  I've been slowly admitting to my friends my choice.  The few I came out two while I was with my ex smiled and told me it was okay, it was who I am. 

 

While i was waiting for my divorce to finalize i was confused, and was only really around one of my friends who i had not admitted who i was.  I spent way to much time with him, and let things go to far.  Poor guy, the divorce finalized and i realize he was just filling in my ex's bond and really dont want to be around him, and dont really like him as much as i thought i had.  I had warned him that I didn't know what I was going to be like once the divorce finalized...

 

I started reaching out to friends... laughing when i realize that they all love me, some as friends, some more.  I start coming out to them.  Two tell me "welcome to the club"  One tells me "Duh, I've known since high school" one of my friends is planning on going back into the service and he was like "You know, I could live with that, cause I wouldn't be worried if something was going on at home.  I would know."  I'm moving in with three friends and one of the two seemed confused that I showed him a picture making a joke... the other one waited a week and a few conversations before asking to make sure i was planning on sleeping in his bed. 

 

I told my friend, Daddy, all of this and told him that I have never felt this loved, then he tells me that "You have always been loved Darling" 

 

With this move I'm going to be me, accept me or not.  This is who I want to be, now if i can get the reflection to show how i feel on the inside.

 

Today I told one of my friends "You can call me girlfriend as long as I can be poly"

~

I let my sister cut my hair and do my makeup...  Trying to have bonding time, though maybe next time she does my make up i wont have the jarhead on skype... laughing when eye make up is being applied....

 

My last Wed nigh karaoke in my hometown I see a cute guy sitting by himself at the pool tables so I walk over there, to put a smile on his face mainly.  He seems cool, so I play pool and stick around, he offers me a cig and some of his pitcher but I pass it's almost midnight at this point, I'll stick to the water.  Three games in he tells me that he's offended by my use of southern pet names... Dude, I'm from Texas, and the way I was raised it is just a natural thing to say... One of the cool things at my job was I could say things like hun, darlin', sweetie and whatever other words and nobody bats an eye, until this city boy.  I slip up a few more times, so I drop addressing him. 

 

I don't believe in picking my own songs for karaoke, so i put a shout out on my FB for my friends to pick my songs and while the crowd doesn't pick, the DJ does.  When i do "Save a horse, ride a [marine]" the DJ jokes on how the next time i do it i need to say ride DJ [rob] which i wont do cause his girlfriend is normally there and oh, that doesn't fit, but the DJ does... I hope he can get her to sing it, it would be so funny :p

 

While I'm singing, if I know the words, I love to walk around the room, well as far as the mic will let me.  I make eye contact while singing, I have a way of making people feel like I'm singing for them, that is a big part of why karaoke is fun for me.  During Kryptonite one of the patrons was really fun to sing to, and when I held out my hand one of the times for the line he started to hold his hand back out to me, but stopped half way. 

 

I go back to the cute guy at the pool table and for the last game of the night he looks at me and says "If I lose, I'm going to cry, if i win, I'm going to have sex in the parking lot, so don't go far."  Omg, I love his confidence, but it's not happening.  I do give him a hug and when I turn to leave he drunkenly wraps his arm around my neck and pulls me back against him, then applied a little bit extra pressure.  I'll admit, I normally love that move, like on occasion it has turned me on... But not that time.  My hands fly up to his arm ready to throw his ass, however the second my hands touch his arm I realize that I'm still in the bar and he's just a drunk.  I keep my hands there ready to act if he tries anything else, I leave the second I get an opening.